2009, check

Last year Sam and i made goals rather than resolutions. We sat at the coffee shop where we also sat on our first date trying to figure each other out, and we shared goals and dreams for 2009. That was before so many difficult events of last year (not to mention yet unresolved events of 2008) when the recession was still kinda funny and my font of optimism had not yet run dry.

Well, those captured dreams and goals, it turns out that my computer ate them... at least that is all that i can assume because i just looked at the file, with correct name, and it's blank. It wasn't blank when we left the coffee house that January afternoon in early 2009, and i doubt Sam wiped the file. So it is safe to assume that my computer ate it.

Fortunately i have some internal sense of how I/we did. Truly 2009 was a year of getting-through; it was not a year of thriving. As a wise friend has reminded me however, i will never fully know the reasons nor the impact of all that i experience in 2008-2009. I will never know the important role they played in the unfolding of my life, so i will take stock in as honest and light-hearted way as i can and move into what will hopefully be a very different kind of year. Let's start with the negative and end on a positive-ish note:

Not Accomplished in 2009

1. Christmas postcard 2009 not finished +not mailed (this still might happen people, watch out)
2. no achievement of inner peace, nor even development of quieter more prayerful self
3. did not achieve target "emergency savings" as per relying on emergency savings for rent
4. nor massive reduction of debt
5. nor massive reduction of thighs
6. did not blog bi-weekly, did not reflect much at all
7. i didn't become less neurotic, not even a little bit
8. nor is there a new me, with less chronic pain or emotional turmoil
9. we did not find perfect jobs for either of us [though this was really a goal that came in February after the layoff]
10. i did not start composting
11. i did not back up my iTunes files
12. we did not get Sam back to Nigeria this year
13. we did not get Sam with his grandmother before she died
14. i did not stop buying coffee out
15. nor did i free myself from a newly acquired (late 2008 coping mechanism) Internet TV addiction... Law and Order, Dexter, Lie to Me, House, Bones... i go for the light stuff which is really helpful for my general outlook on life
16. no wedding album or prints
17. did not become a better long-distance friend
18. nor close-range friend, for that matter
    
19. did not keep my cell phone or keys in the designated pockets, per the desperate plea of Sam who can’t understand how a person can “lose” them so often.
20. did not manage to hurt no one
    
21. nor to love everyone [yes, lofty]
    
22. depression didn't magically nor methodically dissipate
23. did not seek joy very often [it seemed selfish]
24. did not dance enough

Accomplished in 2009

1. did get over myself and start using the pool at 24hour fitness, creepy dudes notwithstanding
2. did not contract a communicable disease in any of the 24hour fitness hot-tubs
3. we did achieve a near-draining of emergency savings per layoff [okay, now i'll knock off the sarcasm]
4. reasonable debt reduction, good even, when circumstances considered
5. we did not kill each other during the nearly unbearable months of May-August 2009
6. did not let jealousy over other people’s circumstances completely consume me, though it was a regular internal battle
7. celebrated our 1st anniversary, with a lot of help from our friends
8. witnessed several more of our good friends get married off Rupa, Mary&Jesus [present in spirit], Ryan&Teresa, Eric, Jen, Jeremy, Marina, Natalie, Bernice&Ricardo
9. only cried 3-4 times surrounding Bernice's wedding and shower
10. i did not drink a bottle of bleach when i was at the end of myself
11. i am no longer joking about drinking a bottle of bleach except to reference said sentiment
12. did not scream at my doctors when they were nonchalantly unhelpful
13. tithed even when it (really) hurt
14. exercised 2-5 times a week, every week
15. survived 5 months of a bathroom that can only be understood as "preparation for life in a third world country" and were grateful to have it
    
16. I started on the path toward acceptance of the physical limitations of an invisible disease
17. did not have a panic attack on the six and a half hour plane ride from Atlanta to Sacramento
18. did generally gain ground over the regular panic attacks in my life that were scaring the business out of me
19. kept my plants alive and mostly thriving
20. did not ram my car into some of the unbelievable @$$#*!&$ on the road
21. did not get rammed into when I was the unbelievable @$$#*!&$ on the road [though to be fair, I am rarely a mean driver intentionally]
22. finished a few novels
23. told a fair number of deep thoughts (just to annoy Natalie)
24. did celebrate Christmas in a way that felt truer to my core -- less "stuff" overall, more art, more focus on those who couldn't find room at any inn.

As 2010 is blooming this morning i am reflecting on the past year and trying to forgive the failures, celebrate the successes ( small and reaching though they feel), and move strongly in a fresh year... the year i turn thirty and can no longer call myself "a twenty-somthin' gal who longs for a place not-quite-yet, (sort of) content with life-as-it-is."